I don't like gossips. Gossips are a whole separate breed of human. I prefer to think of them as sub-human. Like a little monkey in a cage you utilize for your daily dose of entertainment. Except sometimes you want to smack that monkey upside the head, or perhaps drown it in a river.
Here's something that happened to me a while back that still irks me to this day. Amy wanted to borrow my car (names have been changed to protect the guilty). I tell her "Sure, but it's got some issues. The speedometer's off, one of the tires needs air, and the heater doesn't work." Amy responds with an enthusiastic, "Oh it's okay! I'll only have it for a couple of days, and I can deal with all that stuff. I still totally want the car!" I add, "Oh, and be sure to lock the doors. Whatever you do, don't leave it unlocked." "I swear on my life, it will be locked every second of every day. No matter what, I won't leave it unlocked." A little melodramatic, but I'll take it.
My heart fills with warmth and joy as I see her off, reminiscing the moment in which she demonstrated clear and full understanding of my warnings and instructions. My heart was drained of that warmth and joy just two days later.
"So, how did everything go?" I ask her. "Horribly!" she tactfully responds. "I was freezing cold because the heater didn't work, I got a flat tire, and a speeding ticket! And by the way, I couldn't figure out the keyless entry, so it stayed unlocked the whole time." Now, how am I supposed to respond to that? "Um... sorry?" I get the car back and, although I feel sorry for her, a part of me screams, "Don't act like I didn't warn you."
Then I get a call from Larry. Larry informs me that Amy and Katie couldn't find the strength (integrity) to keep from blathering on about my "crappy vehicle" and how Amy survived being the unsuspecting victim of my car. Yes, I said unsuspecting... and, to my own surprise, I meant it.
So now I find myself in a pickle. Amy has now made my sh*tlist, which is unfortunate because Amy is not someone I can just remove from my life. She's made my sh*tlist because (1) I now realize she is a liar... a very dishonest person (considering the way she portrayed things to Katie), (2) she is deceitful, (3) she could never be a good friend or influence, considering the way she fabricates her reality and justifies her actions... this list really does go on for far too long. But this is how I perceive a gossip. It's not just gossip... it is so much more than that. It really says a lot about a person to me.
Then we have Katie. Katie is clearly too preoccupied with the excitement of gossiping to question whatever information is presented to her. And when Larry attempts to enlighten her with the real story, she doesn't want to hear it. What the #!*$@?? That behavior and logic doesn't even compute with me.
So here I am, unjustly labeled an irresponsible car owner who caused Amy all this grief. Un...be...lievable. My mind is officially blown. (1) I made it clear that the car had issues, (2) she still begged for the car, saying she could handle the issues, (3) everything I said might happen happened, (4) Amy is shocked and appalled, (5) she tells the world I handed her a piece of crap that caused her nothing but grief (conveniently leaving out numbers 1 & 2). One good thing did come of it, though... It motivated me to fix the car and now it's perfect. So now I have a perfect car that everyone thinks is a piece of crap. Awesome.
And yet, as angry as it makes me, there is something delightfully entertaining about a rumerer. Or, I should say, messing with a rumerer. I can spot them from a mile away. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I'm not a gossip. I certainly try not to be. A blabbermouth, though, probably thinks I'm one of them. I take pleasure in planting little seeds here and there with known or suspected scandalmongers, and seeing how long it takes for it to get back to me. Not only does it get back to me in record time, the finished product is always embellished in ways I'm sure are unlawful in one way or another. It's like a whole new, provocative story! How fun.
So how do we, the decent human beings, thwart such attacks from abusive wiggle-wagglers? (Yes, it's a word...) By embracing the Socratic Triple Filter, of course!
What is the Socratic Triple Filter, you anticipatorily ask? In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day, an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him that you're not even certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
Thus, the Socratic Triple Filter. Imagine if we all employed this technique on every back-fence-talker that approached us? We could rid the world of grapevine whores in no time! Oh, what a blissful existence that would be. Up until now, I have taken the route of avoidance. I simply don't associate myself with known offenders. I don't have room in my life for such drama, and I certainly don't want to include a dishonest or untrustworthy person in my sphere of influence. However, this Socratic Triple Threat... I mean... Filter... seems like a pleasantly up-front approach that I might enjoy utilizing. I guess we'll see...
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