Cafe Gratitude Questions of the Day

What is a failed expectation that is causing you suffering?

I almost skipped over this question today, as I'm not trying to make anyone look bad, but I reconsidered because it really should be expressed, and this is a great place for that!  Some of us have certain people in our lives that continuously let us down in one way or another.  Why, then, do we keep them in our lives?  I know when it's a family member, it's easy to understand why, but some of us put ourselves through undue stress with those who could be removed from our lives.  It's a balance thing, I think.  We can all handle being let down from time to time, but when it begins to outweigh the positive effect that person has on your life, it's time to move on.  

I personally struggle with a couple of people that are this way.  One, I could let go of, and have let go of before, but for some reason we keep reuniting.  The other, I can't quite let go of, as I'm stuck in the middle of a situation that requires my involvement, and requires this person to live up to their end of a deal, which they're not doing, partially due to unforeseen circumstances, mostly due to avoidable circumstances.  Bad decision making on their part has put me in quite a bind, but I'm not really stressing over it.  Things always fall into place, and always will.  Actually... what's funny (and I just realized this) is that the first expectation-failure is the one I'm counting on to bail me out of the other failure's doing.  lol... how ironic. I just hope it all works out, as I'm sure it will :)  

What would you like to share?

What a great question!  So simple and necessary, yet something we never ask each other.  There's a lot I'd like to share, but if I had to choose one thing today, it'd probably be my utter joy to be back in Florida, and especially around this time of year.  I moved to NC for a while, and basically the entire time I was there, I wished I was in FL.  I was born and raised here and spent half my life in NC at my family's cabin. What I realized when living there was that it needs to remain a vacation place.. a haven to retreat to when you want to get away.  Florida is where I am happiest and feel most at home.  And the anticipation of the upcoming season is so great... October - March is my favorite time of year in Florida, and it's right around the corner!  

I have a ton of plans for celebrating the holidays, decorating my house, being all festive... one thing I'm definitely looking forward to is seeing my cousin's new baby during the Christmas holiday.  They're coming down to visit, and I'll finally get to see little Nicki!  It's bittersweet seeing all the photos and videos.  I don't think my grandparents could be more thrilled to have their first great-grandchild :)  Life is good!  

Cafe Gratitude Questions of the Day

What are you not trusting?

It's interesting to me... when we're kids, we're full of trust.  That childlike optimism, and ability to live in the moment is what many strive to rediscover and regain.  Each time we experience betrayal, pain or trauma, a few more bricks are added to the wall we inevitably build as we age.  The Innocent is a highly powerful and necessary archetype that gives us the energy and ability to take on new experiences (relationships, job ventures, etc.).  Without optimism, innocence and some level of trust, we would have great difficulty making major changes in our lives.  With trust being directly related to fear, perhaps you could ask the question, "What do you fear?" instead.

Sometimes it's easier to admit what you fear, rather than what you don't trust.  I fear losing control / freedom.  I was raised in an environment where money seemed to equal freedom.  "Without money, you will struggle.  With money, you have the freedom to go where you want and do what you want." Therefore, I've also always feared lack of money.  Interesting, though, how I chose the path I've taken thus far.  I wanted money, but I also wanted daily freedom from rigid schedules, dealing with bosses that are generally dumb, punching a clock, answering to any authority... Not to say that's necessarily a right or wrong way of thinking, but it is what it is.

Some of the bigger questions I might ask are, do you trust yourself?  Do you trust God/the Universe/your Higher Power?  I can say that I do.  I lose faith from time to time, of course, but on a large scale, I can confidently answer yes.  I believe when you find trust in yourself/your higher power (aren't they one in the same?), there is nothing you can't accomplish once you let go of the fears holding you back, and surrender to trust, love and peace.  Often, the very thought of surrender elicits even more fear in people.  This is what we must overcome if we're ever to find peace.

Who do you love?

My immediate answer would be the obvious... my family, friends & pets.  Although it can be difficult & requires some reminding, I strive to learn to love everyone...  those I disagree with, those who have hurt  or wronged me, those I've never met or never will meet, etc.  History's most enlightened and influential people taught this simple rule (think Jesus, Gandhi...) and for obvious reason, it's the most difficult for humans to accept and integrate into their lives.  We're just not evolved enough yet.

Lessons Learned

- No matter how long you've known someone, there's always more to learn about them. Don't pride yourself on knowing everything about a person. Would you say there's anyone who really knows everything there is to know about you?

- Lying, as a characteristic, has many subcategories. Deceit, manipulation, omission... they are all forms of lying, and are all just as terrible as the next. Omission is my pet peeve. It is a cowardly assault, and an act of utter selfishness.

April vs. Office Depot

I purchased a Toshiba Satellite P205D-S7454 from Office Depot in December of 2007.  Luckily, I also purchased the extended, two-year Performance Protection Plan. 

After having to send it in three times within a four month period for the same problem, and having the hard drive replaced each time, I was fed up.  I have earned bit of a reputation for handling customer service resolution issues fairly well.  I don't stop until I receive a reasonable resolution, and that is what this post is all about.  I will explain how I handled Office Depot's attempt to squirm out of their lemon replacement policy, and how you can use the same tactics to get what you want from any corporation that has wronged you, or is attempting to wrong you.

Office Depot's Performance Protection Plan states that if you send in a PC for the same repair three times, that the upon the fourth occurrence, they consider it a lemon, and will issue a replacement gift card in the amount at which you originally purchased the lemon.  When I called to report the fourth occurrence, the warranty department attempted to tell me that only two repairs had been made, and the third one "didn't count" because it was put through a different claim system than the other two.  

After arguing for a while that the claims system, which is out of my control, is irrelevant to me, and that I fully expect them to replace my laptop, I realized I had exhausted this avenue of problem resolution and hung up with them.  You always want to exhaust the standard customer service resources before moving to more aggressive tactics.  I spoke with various agents and supervisors before reaching this point.  Most importantly, in any stage of the game, never, ever begin swearing or making threats.  It will almost always get you nowhere.  

My next step was to go to the top.  Not the next level up, but to the top.  I went to Office Depot's website and located the names of CEO's, Presidents, Vice Presidents, and their Executive Customer Service department.  You will most often find this kind of information on a Press Release or Media area of the site.  Also, by locating the email address of an employee in a press release, I learned that their standard email format was firstname.lastname@officedepot.com.  When I sent my mass email to the executives, I knew to use this format to ensure the appropriate people received it.  

I then constructed a professionally-written email.  This part is important, as you want to accomplish three main goals: 

• Explain the history and problem in detail, including dates, product numbers, invoice numbers, etc.  In my case, I listed the dates my laptop was sent in, claim numbers, and what repairs took place.  Try to keep it as unemotional as possible. 
• Describe what you feel is a fair resolution.  This is where you can let a little emotion fly.  I told them I was infuriated, disappointed, etc. Let them know how you feel!  Then explain what it is you want, and be sure it is a reasonable request.  In my case, I only asked them to live up to what their contract promised - a gift card for the original purchase amount of my laptop so I can purchase a new one of my choice.  
• Finish with what you plan to do if your resolution is not met.  Give them a deadline.  I told them if I did not hear back from them within one week, I would seek further help from consumer protection agencies, the Better Business Bureau, etc.  

It is also beneficial to prove or explain to them that it will end up costing them less money in the long run to resolve your issue.  In my case, they had paid to ship my computer six times, replaced three hard drives and the screen frame, and were looking at another hard drive replacement and two more shipping fees.  Corporations are out to make money.  If you can show them it is more cost effective to resolve your problem and get rid of you, then you will most always get your way.  

Within less than 3 hours of sending my email to the entire executive staff of Office Depot, I received a response from the Senior Customer Relations Manager of the Executive Customer Relations department.  What was most impressive was that I sent it at  5:40 p.m. on a Friday night, and received a response at 8:20 p.m. the same evening.  She informed me she received my email and that someone would contact me by Monday.  It was a courtesy email that indicated I was about to receive the customer service I should have gotten since day one.  

By Sunday, the issue had been resolved.  I was promised a replacement gift card, and I received the box to ship back the faulty computer within a few days.  Sometimes, all it takes is to get to the right person.  Large corporations, however, tend to make this very difficult.  With this more aggressive tactic, you should find success in most of your customer resolution battles.

If you would like to view my email to Office Depot, click here.  

Could ADD/ADHD Be Caused by Too Much Instant Gratification?

It seems like nearly every kid I know these days has ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), or, as I like to call it, Attention Deficit in High Def. As per the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-IV, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), 3% - 7% of kids suffer from ADHD. Some studies estimated higher rates in community samples. It seems like it would be a higher rate... I did not expect to learn that it was only 3%-7%. It is also approximately 3 times more common in boys than in girls. (Source).

Subjectively, I feel there is no coincidence that video games, regular television watching, and computer usage became the norm right around the same time ADD skyrocketed and became an "epidemic." I have never read or researched anything regarding or supporting this. It's only an observation.

Beginning at a very young age nowadays, many children are permitted to spend the majority of their precious hours in front of the television/computer. Some parents unconvincingly try to write it off as "educational", but we all know it's nothing more than a built-in babysitter for a lazy parent. It's not a "special treat" for the whole family, like it was 50 years ago. Get a load of some of these stats (Source):

• Number of hours the average child spends watching television per week: 28
• Percentage of 4-6 year-olds who, when asked to choose between watching TV and spending time with their fathers, preferred television: 54
• Hours per year the average American youth spends in school: 900 hours
• Hours per year the average American youth watches television: 1500

So, during the course of childhood, the child's mind is being entertained for them. Good ol' playing in the dirt is long gone. The use of imagination has become the vast minority. Instead, they're parked in front of the tube for hours on end, every single day, staring into this box like a zombie. And I mean that quite literally...

When measured by an EEG (electroencenograph), the brain appears to slow to a halt, registering low alpha wave readings on the EEG. This is caused by the radiant light produced by cathode ray technology within the television set. Once again, regardless of the content being presented, television essentially turns off your nervous system. (Source).

Then, all of a sudden one day (typically around 6 or 7 years old), the kid is thrown into a new environment where they are expected to act the polar opposite of how they've been permitted to behave for the past 4-5 years. You don't get to plaster your face to a television screen all day anymore. Translation: your brain is no longer being entertained for you. Deal with it, or you're in big trouble.

They're expected to sit still, not talk out of turn, and, the hardest part of all, pay attention. Problem is, they can't change the channel (teacher, subject, etc.) whenever they get bored. They're not accustomed to this, and they certainly haven't been prepared for it. It's like their brain short-circuits when instant gratification is no longer available.

I liken it to a horribly addictive drug, with school being the withdrawal. The brain and body become used to certain levels of activity and effort (all very minimal), and then WHAM! it's all taken away from them, and they are expected to deal. And everyone wonders why they can't. "Why is our child misbehaving so badly? We should be stricter. We should punish him more effectively. We should take her to a psychiatrist. He's acting out. Something's obviously terribly wrong, and we just can't imagine for the life of us what it could be!"

I just cannot imagine there being a coincidence that the rise in constant television watching, video games and computer usage came about around the same time as the ADD/ADHD "epidemic." I would bet money that an extremely high majority of kids who were raised with very little to no television, video games, etc. would not be diagnosed with ADD. Big money. And the same goes for the flip side. I'd bet that the kids who watch the most TV & spend the most time playing video games are far more susceptible to an ADD/ADHD diagnosis.

And then we have the doctor/mainstream-drug-profit aspect of it all. Now, I'm not slamming doctors here. Not all doctors are money grubbing troglodytes who prescribe pills like candy just to get their kickback. But plenty of them are. And, just like so many diagnoses, they cover up the problem or the symptoms with pills and drugs, rather than working to get to the root of the problem. "Here, take a pill and be happy" is way easier than "Let's work together to discover the root causes and see what lifestyle changes can be made to remedy it." And it's not only the doctors... patients prefer the easy way out, too. Whether they've been conditioned to feel that way, or whether we really have been this lazy since the beginning of time is beyond me. Either way, in many cases, as soon as an adult hears, "You have to change the way you live/eat/think," they're out the door and onto the next pill pusher.

So, we start our kids off at 8 years old teaching them that a pill fixes everything. Got a problem? Take a drug. Don't have a problem, but might in 30 years? Take a pill. Kids are being conditioned at such young ages to believe that it should be totally and completely normal to be on 12 different daily medications by the time they're 45 years old. Don't even get me started on that end of things, though... we'll touch on that one later. I've got plenty to say about that.

If you look at nature, nearly all creatures spend time playing when they're babies. It's vital to their survival. It teaches them logic, tactics, hunting and survival skills, etc. Human offspring used to do the same thing. They'd have an entire day's-worth of fun playing in the dirt, or blasting off into outer space in their giant, empty refrigerator box. The imagination is one of the most vital parts of our being. Without it, we are empty shells, just going through the motions of life. Who wants that? And more importantly, who would want that for their kids?

Whether I'm right or wrong in my philosophies here, I'd hope we could all agree that it's downright healthier to shut off the damn TV, and go play outside instead. In fact, I think I'll do just that. I have a puppy who's in serious need of some play time, and the last thing I need is my dog on Adderall. ;)

Peace

P.S. Another point I forgot to mention, that I will edit in later, is the issue of childrens' diets and how it factors into the ADD formula. Keep an eye out for updates!

******************** UPDATE ************************
February 23, 2009

I stumbled across this very interesting article on Digg today that seems to fully support my thoughts on ADD/ADHD. The article can be found here.

To paraphrase, a top neuroscientist warns that repeated exposure to social networking sites, instant messaging, computer games, and fast-paced TV shows could effectively "rewire" the brain, thereby shortening attention spans, encouraging instant gratification, and making young people more self centered.

This is bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am glad to see this concept being researched, and being made publicly known. On the other hand, though, this is a saddening reinforcement of what I was already thinking. The minds of our youths are being compromised by something totally within our control.

It is not easy to find responsible parents these days. America, in particular, has become a very lazy (yet simultaneously over-worked, over-stressed) population. What I mean by that is, over-worked Americans who operate under the illusion of never having enough time in the day, end up choosing their priorities. Therefore, certain areas of their lives are handled with less attentiveness than necessary. Raising children "properly" ends up further down the list than it ever should, in many cases. It's so much easier to plop your kid down in front of the T.V. or computer and let it babysit them while you make dinner, write out bills, make phone calls, relax, etc.

Those who make raising their children an absolute top priority have enough challenges as it is, so just imagine what the results become when the child is moved toward the bottom of the priority list. Unfortunately, those modern-day heroes are few and far between, and the frighteningly large majority of parents are those who hardly or never limit their kids' time in front of the computer or T.V. screen.

On that note, here's a thought... how about NO television? Or (and I know this sounds wildly insane), not burying your kid under a pile of store-bought toys? How about allowing children to rediscover what an imagination is, and how to use it? Imagine having a kid that doesn't require 24/7 entertainment, and one who is capable of entertaining themselves without the use of shiny, bright objects. Imagine having a kid that is on his best behavior all week in order to earn the privilege of watching a movie on T.V. on Saturday night with the whole family? Envision not having to deal with a child becoming desensitized to violence, or learning about sex at far too young an age (a direct result of too much exposure to the wrong kind of television and video games).

I'm not sure many parents could even comprehend the value or importance of such things. They'd rather take the "easy" way now, resulting in long-term psychological damage that the kid has to deal with for the rest of his life. And here we sit, watching this erosion take place... Perhaps this is one good thing that might come from this economic crisis - the possibility of some parents being forced to shut off TV's and computers, stop buying toys and video games, and allow their kids' imaginations to run wild!

Re-Think, Re-Live

Welcome to re-think, re-live. I have a "question everything" philosophy, and this is my place to do just that. I respect those who try to find their own answers, and I try to do the same. Nowadays, I'm not one to say I know something for a fact unless I really do, which is rare. I'm opinionated, don't get me wrong. But I'm not sure there are many things we can ever say we know to be true. A great example is science. Massive amounts of research is done on a particular subject, and a conclusion is drawn based on it. But then, a few years later, a discovery is made that changes everything. I have a hard time adhering to strict beliefs or "truths" because I always feel that we could never really know. It's somewhat arrogant to me to profess such knowledge when history has proven time and again that we prove ourselves wrong every day with new discoveries. I'm transitioning at this point in my life, so research, reading and learning is a big part of it. I welcome those with open minds :)

Effective Communication

There are two forms of communication: verbal and nonverbal. Although it's commonly known that a high percentage of conversation lies within nonverbal communication, written and verbal communication can be just as monumental with regard to how you are perceived in this world.

I believe communication came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. It started with simple terms, such as “water” or “food.” But it gets interesting when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. For example, what is frustration? What is anger? Love?

When I say "love," the sound comes out of my mouth and hits the other person's ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain, through their memories of love or lack of love, they register what I'm saying, and they say "Yes, I understand."

But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. So much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable. And yet, when we communicate with one another, we feel that we're connected, and we think that we're understood. I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion.

That feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for (source). The importance of speaking properly and accurately lies within the importance of being understood. If you expect others to understand you, you must equip yourself with the necessary tools that will enable you to translate your feelings and thoughts into words… and that can be a daunting task.

Effective communication is the only portal in which you have the possibility of being understood. Speaking poorly causes people to disassociate from the message you’re sending, and focus solely on the words themselves… not the meanings behind them.

Those who speak the fewest words, yet convey the most powerful messages are those I admire most. I still strive to achieve that goal, but feel I am far from it… Gandhi's style is one of the most admirable to me... "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." He had a way of projecting these deep, profound concepts with only ten simple words. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Those who communicate the most effectively are those who possess this ability.

Nevertheless, on to my next point. People judge others based on the way they speak. Poor English often equates to unintelligence, unprofessionalism, and sometimes even more unfair judgments, such as class, race, income level, etc. It is sad, but true. If you’re at a job interview, and you speak poorly, or your résumé contains grammatical errors, chances are likely you won’t be hired at all, or won’t be hired for a high-paying position. Studies have shown that those who speak more eloquently tend to receive higher paying jobs, more opportunities in the workplace, more social mobility, and a great deal of social success. Writing and speaking an above-average level of English will open doors for you in the career world, social world, and beyond.

A great example of a universally known dumbass is George W. Bush. Why is it common knowledge that he’s got the mental agility of a soap dish? It all began with his impeccably poor English. Strategery? Nucular? Misunderestimated? Yikes…

My intention here is not to slam those with poor speaking and writing skills. Instead, it is to explain the importance of proper English – written and verbal – and hopefully motivate those who wish to enhance their lives, to read, research and learn on a daily basis. Learning one new word or fact each day can dramatically improve one’s ability to speak and write effectively. Reading, writing and speaking have always been natural strong points of mine, yet I still continue to learn new words nearly every day, and incessantly try to improve the way I communicate with others. I've been told in business that people often perceived me as an intelligent person within the first few minutes of meeting me, simply because of the way I presented myself. The point being, communication is important… and the style in which you carry it out is just as significant.