Cafe Gratitude Questions of the Day

What are you afraid of losing?

Just last night I had a conversation with a friend about fear and loss.  I was explaining to him that, although I have few fears, what I fear the most is losing someone very close to me... especially a family member.  The thought terrifies me, and I know it's something that I'm going to have to face some day.  Imagine that for a moment... let's say one of your biggest fears is flying in an airplane, and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you'll not only be forced to experience it, but you'll never know when, you'll never be prepared for it, and you'll be forced to suffer the scenario many times throughout your life.  I know I have to face it head on, I just don't know how to.  I guess I just have to deal with it as it comes, and know that whatever I do, I have to embrace and accept the process as well as I can.  

I'm sure many people can relate to this, although I don't think I know anyone (other than a couple of my own family members) who hasn't experienced losing someone very close to them.  I have only ever been to two funerals - one was an acquaintance's, and the other's was my great grandmother's.  I absolutely adored my great grandmother, and I'll never know anyone as amazing as her again, but she lived far away, and I rarely ever got to see her. When she died, I of course experienced loss and grief, but it was nothing compared to what I would feel if a grandparent, parent, aunt, uncle or cousin died.  I would be absolutely devastated.  

I guess I have a "young" family, which is why few of us have ever experienced an immediate family member's death before.  My grandparents are in their early to mid 70's, my dad, aunt & uncles aren't even 50, and my cousins & I aren't even 30 yet. Each generation is only about 20 years apart.  In fact, my aunt & grandmother are 20 years apart, my cousin & aunt are 20 years apart, and my dad & I are exactly 20 years apart!  How auspicious ;) 

I adore & cherish my family so much, I just can't imagine what I would do without them.  My family has its issues, trust me... but what makes us so special is that, no matter what, we know without a doubt that we have each other when & where it really counts.  Regardless of our differences, or how major they might be, when it comes down to it, I know that every single person in my family would be there to support me if I needed them to, and I would hope that they all know the same is true for me.  There's nothing I wouldn't do for every single one of them.  I wouldn't give it a second thought.  

So how do you let go of something so special?  I guess the answer is, you don't.  Just because you don't see them doesn't mean they're not there.  That might be easy to say & think now, but when the time comes, I'm not sure it'll be so easy to accept.  Thoughts like this always remind me of the importance to make our time together as loving and wonderful as possible, and to live each day as if it were our last.  

Who makes you laugh?

Ahh, good... a more positive question to answer :)  My first thought is my dad - he is SO funny!  He has always been able not to just make me laugh, but to make me laugh until it hurts.  That's probably one of my absolute favorite things about him... his sense of humor.  He's always entertaining...

My friend Jeff also has an awesome sense of humor & can always make me laugh.  The best part is that his sense of humor isn't like anyone else's... it's all his own :)  Although his normal antics never cease to crack me up (like breaking out with classic dances like the Running Man, or Roger Rabbit... lol), but one recent memory will always stick out in my mind.  We were at a party where Rock Band was the game of choice, and when he decided to get on the mic, he chose a Jack Black song (of all the songs... haha)... it gets to the classic Jack Black, "riggadig dig shoogarip dip diddle!" (or whatever... LOL) and Jeff freaking belts it out, word for word, and has everyone in the house cracking up.  It was definitely the song of the night, and one I SO regret not getting video of :)  

Lots of people have a sense of humor I can totally appreciate, but some of the best times are when my family is all together.  When my dad, aunt & uncle get to ripping on my grandfather, or when my grandfather gets a couple drinks in him, they all have me rolling in no time.  Their banter is one for the record books :)  I've always sworn my family would make an awesome, very entertaining reality show.  

Lesson Learned: Talent Often Has Little To Do With Success

Yep, that's what I learned... success quite often is not achieved by way of talent.  Perhaps the first few stepping stones relied on talent, but when it all comes down to it, success is more often reached via excellent business and people skills.

I know of successful people who couldn't even begin to survive in the day to day operations of their own business.  They are generally clueless, really, as to what actually takes place in their companies.  Apparently, they can be oblivious.  Although I have to believe that if they were capable of programming a website or creating their own marketing budget reports that they would be a far better manager, which would lead to greater profits in the end.

On the flip side, I've seen countless employees with outstanding talent who will never be anything more than an employee.  I'm sure for some, it's fear, and for others, it's complacency or lack of ambition.  The managers that take advantage of those rare gems should be ashamed of themselves.  The gems should demand more respect (especially in the form of cash).

When it all comes down to it, though, if you are blessed with excellent people skills, you are destined to be a successful person.  The business end can be learned quite easily.  No other talent required!  Oh, and of course I can't go without mentioning that it's also about who you know ;)

My Technique for Diffusing Anger

It just hit me that I should probably share this with the interwebz :)  I have this great (somewhat hilarious) trick I use when the anger is building and I'm about to blow... My general modus operandi is that I take things out on inanimate objects: the TV, computer, phone... a lot of electronics, I guess!  hah... It's typically just general bitching, but it seems to get the job done most of the time.  The only time I hate this about myself is when someone else is around to witness it.  It always ends up making them feel bad or uncomfortable, and I certainly don't want that.  People who know me pretty well, though, know to just leave me alone and never, ever take my inanimate object-oriented rage personally.

In any case, although I express my anger pretty freely, I definitely don't like the feelings or vibes that anger creates.  All that negativity is totally unhealthy and I happen to believe that those who live stressful, unhappy lives, filled with constant negative energy are the types that end up with cancer, MS, IBS, or other general sicknesses.  Stress highly compromises your immune system anyway, so it only makes sense to me that the more negativity you have in your life, the sicker and sicker you will become.

I had this thought a few years ago, and tried it out.  It's common knowledge that smiling, laughter, joy and positive energy have incredible health benefits.  Plus, it's just generally preferable to feel good as opposed to any other alternative!  So, I thought "Why not try to smile when you're getting angry?"  It's a funny thought, and smiling or laughing is sometimes difficult to do when you're irate.

So I tried it... and I can't even begin to describe the short circuit that took place in my body & brain.  It was amazing!  I was absolutely fuming over something I can't even recall now, and I remembered my resolve to try smiling.  I immediately thought, "That's just freaking stupid.  I don't want to smile right now...I'm mad!" But I did it anyway, and the results just blew me away.  I was physically unable to remain angry!  It's like that physical act of turning the ends of your lips upward completely short circuits the brain, floods you with feel-good sensations, and immediately overpowers the negative.

What's even better is that you feel so silly smiling (1) at nothing, and (2) when you're angry, that it's like a literal, emotional oxymoron, which in turn causes you to laugh at yourself, therefore completely flooding out the negative with utterly positive vibes.  The anger diffuses instantly!

I'd say the majority of people do not know how to properly manage their anger in a healthy, beneficial way.  People typically bottle it up until they explode, or express it more freely and more often (like I do).  Bottling it up is generally catastrophic.  People end up getting hurt, things are said that aren't meant, and it starts killing you from the inside, out.  Either that, or the anger turns inward and manifests itself into depression, which is also catastrophic.  On the other hand, people who express it more freely and more often, tend to splash it all over the place and fail to channel it properly.  People end up getting hurt, things are said that aren't meant, and it begins affecting relationships with others.  It can also build a tolerance... what used to satisfy your anger now doesn't, and it takes more to fully express and dissolve it.  Eventually, you hit a brick wall, and lose control.  Few people express their negative emotions in a healthy, effective, beneficial manner, so we seek out techniques to help us learn...

I urge everyone to try this awesome technique.  No need for anger management... all you have to do is force a smile!  It's never really failed me.  And once you've tried it, come back here & leave me a comment :)

Cafe Gratitude Questions of the Day

When do you feel defeated?

I thought about this one for a long time... I really can't think of a time I've felt totally defeated.  I suppose it's because I'm so confident that everything will always work out.  I have a lot of faith.  Plus, I know if things don't go my way, it's for a good reason, and that reason will reveal itself soon enough.  Even when I'm struggling, there's still a part of me that always feels on top of the world!

What do you love about love?

What isn't there to love about love!  Love is present in everything... we just have to recognize and accept it.  If god is a part of all of us, and god is love, then we are love... right?  At least our souls are.  Our physical bodies are more like conduits for love.  We separate ourselves from our souls, we build walls, and block out love and god, and look where we end up... at war.  At war with everything... ourselves, each other, nature, the world... 

In that case, couldn't we could also ask, "What do you love about you?" or "What do you love about every person on earth?" We really aren't separate from each other or the world. That's a silly illusion that governs the majority of our actions, thoughts, opinions and beliefs.  We are all connected by energy... love.  I'd probably be afraid to see the answers to both of those questions anyway... lol

Cafe Gratitude Questions of the Day

What is a failed expectation that is causing you suffering?

I almost skipped over this question today, as I'm not trying to make anyone look bad, but I reconsidered because it really should be expressed, and this is a great place for that!  Some of us have certain people in our lives that continuously let us down in one way or another.  Why, then, do we keep them in our lives?  I know when it's a family member, it's easy to understand why, but some of us put ourselves through undue stress with those who could be removed from our lives.  It's a balance thing, I think.  We can all handle being let down from time to time, but when it begins to outweigh the positive effect that person has on your life, it's time to move on.  

I personally struggle with a couple of people that are this way.  One, I could let go of, and have let go of before, but for some reason we keep reuniting.  The other, I can't quite let go of, as I'm stuck in the middle of a situation that requires my involvement, and requires this person to live up to their end of a deal, which they're not doing, partially due to unforeseen circumstances, mostly due to avoidable circumstances.  Bad decision making on their part has put me in quite a bind, but I'm not really stressing over it.  Things always fall into place, and always will.  Actually... what's funny (and I just realized this) is that the first expectation-failure is the one I'm counting on to bail me out of the other failure's doing.  lol... how ironic. I just hope it all works out, as I'm sure it will :)  

What would you like to share?

What a great question!  So simple and necessary, yet something we never ask each other.  There's a lot I'd like to share, but if I had to choose one thing today, it'd probably be my utter joy to be back in Florida, and especially around this time of year.  I moved to NC for a while, and basically the entire time I was there, I wished I was in FL.  I was born and raised here and spent half my life in NC at my family's cabin. What I realized when living there was that it needs to remain a vacation place.. a haven to retreat to when you want to get away.  Florida is where I am happiest and feel most at home.  And the anticipation of the upcoming season is so great... October - March is my favorite time of year in Florida, and it's right around the corner!  

I have a ton of plans for celebrating the holidays, decorating my house, being all festive... one thing I'm definitely looking forward to is seeing my cousin's new baby during the Christmas holiday.  They're coming down to visit, and I'll finally get to see little Nicki!  It's bittersweet seeing all the photos and videos.  I don't think my grandparents could be more thrilled to have their first great-grandchild :)  Life is good!  

Cafe Gratitude Questions of the Day

What are you not trusting?

It's interesting to me... when we're kids, we're full of trust.  That childlike optimism, and ability to live in the moment is what many strive to rediscover and regain.  Each time we experience betrayal, pain or trauma, a few more bricks are added to the wall we inevitably build as we age.  The Innocent is a highly powerful and necessary archetype that gives us the energy and ability to take on new experiences (relationships, job ventures, etc.).  Without optimism, innocence and some level of trust, we would have great difficulty making major changes in our lives.  With trust being directly related to fear, perhaps you could ask the question, "What do you fear?" instead.

Sometimes it's easier to admit what you fear, rather than what you don't trust.  I fear losing control / freedom.  I was raised in an environment where money seemed to equal freedom.  "Without money, you will struggle.  With money, you have the freedom to go where you want and do what you want." Therefore, I've also always feared lack of money.  Interesting, though, how I chose the path I've taken thus far.  I wanted money, but I also wanted daily freedom from rigid schedules, dealing with bosses that are generally dumb, punching a clock, answering to any authority... Not to say that's necessarily a right or wrong way of thinking, but it is what it is.

Some of the bigger questions I might ask are, do you trust yourself?  Do you trust God/the Universe/your Higher Power?  I can say that I do.  I lose faith from time to time, of course, but on a large scale, I can confidently answer yes.  I believe when you find trust in yourself/your higher power (aren't they one in the same?), there is nothing you can't accomplish once you let go of the fears holding you back, and surrender to trust, love and peace.  Often, the very thought of surrender elicits even more fear in people.  This is what we must overcome if we're ever to find peace.

Who do you love?

My immediate answer would be the obvious... my family, friends & pets.  Although it can be difficult & requires some reminding, I strive to learn to love everyone...  those I disagree with, those who have hurt  or wronged me, those I've never met or never will meet, etc.  History's most enlightened and influential people taught this simple rule (think Jesus, Gandhi...) and for obvious reason, it's the most difficult for humans to accept and integrate into their lives.  We're just not evolved enough yet.

Lessons Learned

- No matter how long you've known someone, there's always more to learn about them. Don't pride yourself on knowing everything about a person. Would you say there's anyone who really knows everything there is to know about you?

- Lying, as a characteristic, has many subcategories. Deceit, manipulation, omission... they are all forms of lying, and are all just as terrible as the next. Omission is my pet peeve. It is a cowardly assault, and an act of utter selfishness.